Explore the Authentic Self Relationships Model
The Authentic Self in relationships
Authentic self is a referential concept to point out the truest state we can have in each moment from our own awareness. It is not an intention of the Authentic Self Relationships Model to suggest that there is an authentic self we need to find in a period of time. It is part of its envisioning though, that the more we commit to living from our authentic self, the more integrated we become, which practically means becoming more resourceful, feeling freer and a less fearful -or controlling- in our lives. This can also be considered moving in the direction of personal growth.
The Authentic Self Relationships Model is very much focused on a present state of being, in which we are aware of only certain elements of reality. Nevertheless, that is your truth of that moment, by honouring it, you are consciously setting an intention for integration, as much as you are capable of, there and then.
This commitment to your authentic self can drastically facilitate your navigation in any kind of relationships in the direction of personal growth. Which when relating with others navigating in a similar direction, can create a powerful synergy toward interpersonal and collective growth.
You can learn more about the application of the ASR model to your existing relationships attending the available workshops.
Sincere Consideration
From the reference of the authentic self concept described above, it is considered for the Authentic Self Relationships Model, that the most tangible way of noticing when we are interacting from our authentic self is through acts of sincere consideration. This sincere consideration is a focused state of seeing another individual as much as we can -a true empathy beyond just putting yourself in someone else’s shoes- with the intention of really seeing them, as well as contemplating our limitations for this purpose with humility.
On the other hand when we are treated with sincere consideration, we usually feel seen, heard, acknowledged and important for the other one. From my professional experience, frequent experiences of connection through sincere consideration in relationships are one of the most needed elements for satisfactory relationships through time.
This sincere consideration is a core element we want to reach in the application of Authentic Self Relationships Model and we will see what are the three main areas that regulate its emergence, plus the self work that empowers us with resources for self-knowledge, co-creation and acting from the freedom that honouring our authentic self gives.
Responsibility
The first area that regulates sincere consideration is responsibility. This term is used in the Authentic Self Relationships Model in the sense of being accountable for something. From this perspective we cannot be responsible of other people’s thoughts or feelings, as they are not a direct result of our actions. We first interpret what happens around us before we create thought or feelings associated with these actions. When we can incorporate that we are not responsible for other people’s thoughts or feelings, we stop identifying with feelings of blame and guilt and we allow space for sincere consideration to happen.
At the same time, we are fully responsible of our own thoughts and feelings, which means that even if we are opening up to sincere consideration for another one, we first need to assess our own emotional state and thoughts if they are aligned with being considerate to another one. Maybe we feel depleted or judgemental and we will not be fully present in acts of “consideration”, what doesn’t make it sincere. In the Authentic Self Relationships Model, this is very connected with the Heart Space area in which we would be giving out of duty over generosity and the area of Mindset in which we may be acting from morality over truth -more of this in each respective area-.
Finally, and applying the same principles as explained above, we also need to incorporate that other people are not responsible of our thoughts and feelings, and by doing so we can stop identifying with our expectations, opening up to what is beneath -more in self work section-.
Mindset
In the Authentic Self Relationships Model, the concept of Mindset is used to refer to our cognitive predisposition; what are the preconceptions of reality we are having as a base at the moment of interacting with someone.
Many times we stand from a position of fixation to what is supposed to be right or wrong; the social scripts of how a friend or a mother should behave, or just a story we have been repeating out of habit not knowing where it came from. This is what is called morals in the Authentic Self Relationships Model, an expression of the conditioning we have gone through our lives by what we have received in our upbringing and the codes we have learnt to adapt different social contexts. Adding to what we receive, in the Authentic Self Relationships Model, is called projection when we impose these morals to others. Behaving from morals pulls you away from your authentic self.
The alternative path for our Mindset in interactions is to be focused on the truth. This means realizing that no matter how badly we can want something or how much we don’t like how an event is happening, in that moment it is impossible for it to be any other way. When we take the Mindset path of truth we will focus on what is happening, not how we think it should be. We will be responsible of our thoughts and feelings by taking care of our needs of that moment and not identify with our expectations of someone behaving differently.
By taking the Mindset path of truth we will be available for sincere consideration if the areas of responsibility and Heart Space are also serving our authentic self -see resources for this in self work section-.
Heart Space
In the Authentic Self Relationships Model it is called Heart Space to the source of our giving nature; where are we at emotionally -“in our hearts”- at the moment of connecting with someone. For the application of this area it is proposed to be used as “where are we giving from?”.
Sometimes we can tend to give in a seemingly unlimited way, we give and give with no apparent end to it. In the Authentic Self Relationships Model this is called giving out of a sense of duty. Some of us express that we cannot say no to requests from people we love. Although, it is usually very self demanding when our giving is not balanced with our self care. This behaviour is just not sustainable through time. This imbalance usually becomes exposed when we start demanding others to be as giving as ourselves, even as sacrificial as we think we are. This shows the hidden element of transaction when we give out of duty, and by not honouring ourselves and our needs we are moving away from our authentic self.
It is considered in the Authentic Self Relationships Model that when we give from generosity, though, we give from the joy of giving, irrespective of how the other one receives it -be careful of expectations in the area of responsibility-. The more we pay attention to what happens within us every time we give, we will develop better awareness of our functioning and realizing where we are giving from. Do we just want to give out of generosity or are we looking to receive something back from transaction? -see element of compatibility in self work area-. Sometimes it may be more aligned with your authentic self to choose not to give in a moment of confusion and instead focus on self care.
When we can give out of generosity, it allows us to connect from sincere consideration.
Self Work
-Developing Safety-
This is the section for further exploration and integration. You are suggested to come here every time you find yourself in any areas of the Authentic Self Relationships Model that have this icon, which represents reflection.
When we are interacting with someone or processing an interaction and we feel that our behaviour can be described in ways that contain this icon, we should go through the self work section.
These steps are aimed to develop or regain personal safety in the context of relationships we are navigating, by finding clarity of our processes and of what others bring to the relationship and evaluating what is serving us and what is not. This clarity brings us closer to our authentic self and we'll start trusting more and more this process of assessment, which also reinforces our sense of safety within to navigate any relationship.
The first step is to observe what is our fear in the moment we are interacting from a behaviour marked with the icon above.
The second step is to self inquire on what wound we have as a base of that fear. That means the emotional imprint we have from our history associated to the situation we are living in the present which causes the fear.
The third step is to discover what is the need or needs that is/are intended to be met by the pattern(s) of the initial behaviour (the one of the icon) supported by the fear and the wounds.
When we discover the great finding of knowing the need we were trying to meet by patterns that are not honouring our authentic self, we can start the co-creation of relationships from our truth. To begin this co-creation we need the prior individual steps and also to approach another one with self-care and humility. This is why the first move in this section is a reality check, which refers to express, initially in a very mild way and without exposing ourselves beyond our sense of safety, what are our feelings and needs and to inquire the other one(s) if there is an interest and willingness to explore together previous events or current scenarios that we feel are important for the relationship.
At this point, it is very important to apply as much as possible our notions of the area of responsibility, so we don't "take things personal" and respect each other’s experiences as our truth, not identifying with expectations, blame or guilt. We also listen to the other one without the association to "and what can I do about it?", this is a reality check, not problem solving.
-Our styles and skills in our communication are critical in the co-creation of our relationships. The application of the Authentic Self Relationships Model can be greatly supported by communicational resources such as direct communication and non violent communication, which are recommended to be familiarized with-
If and when we feel we are not welcome with our reality checks or other kinds of communication for co-creation, we may need to assess the need for boundaries. These are commitments to ourselves to preserve our own sense of safety. Boundaries are not limits we impose on others, we are the ones responsible of honouring them and finishing a conversation or leaving the room if necessary and it's our decision to inform them to people we relate to or not.
Through this communication we co-create from, we will start to get to know our truth better and also the truth of others. We will see where we are at in the relationships and where they are. Over time, this will allow the assessment of compatibility in the relationship, which is not necessarily an "all or nothing" approach. Assessing compatibility from our authentic self allows us to honour and keep what is serving us and to leave what is not. This is lived by having clarity of what each relationship is in each particular moment, knowing that it can change and by the ability of transitioning into different states of a relationship.
For examples of applying the self work area, please watch the explanatory video or request participation in a workshop.
The Authentic Self Relationships Model
-illustration by Megha Mehta-
Workshop Requests
You can learn more about the application of the Authentic Self Relationships Model to your existing relationships attending the available workshops.